Friday, June 22, 2012

Old Joy Part 642

I have known one Lucy in my entire life.  And we like each other a whole lot, I think.

I have a 100% success rate with People Named Lucy.

You can't argue with that math.

So many of her new words now have this distinct clarity to them.  No longer "ma-mammmm,"  but a very specific mommy.

Tonight, I was feeding her dinner while my sister did All Those Things You Try To Accomplish While You Have Someone Else's Eyes on Your Child.

Lucy pointed across the room and said, "Mommy."

To which I jokingly replied,

"Aren't I your mommy?"

She looked at me....apologetically...as if to say, "Not only has this person lost her mind, but she's going to completely ruin a perfectly good mac & cheese dinner."

Finally, the words came and she gently corrected me.

"No...Haaaaaa"

So there you have it.

One look and two words can say 1,000 different things.


This year has been hard.  This was the year it felt as if  I could cry on command (and often in the car).  For a few specific reasons and then no reasons at all at the same time.

Oh, womanhood.  Am I right?

There have been times this year when it felt as if a lot was going to be left unaccomplished- everything from motherhood to our taxes* to (for the love of Pete) keeping my car clean.

There have been times this year when the stakes and the expectations just felt too high.

I know I don't have a difficult life.  I have everything I need and so so much of what I want.

But there were times this year when I just felt very sad and I wasn't sure how to get un-sad and I am still trying to untangle all that. Just a little.

I have spent a great while simply chasing the joy.  Trying to pin it down.  Wrestle it to the ground.

Refusing to weep.

It has been one part struggle, two parts surrender.

I very much enjoy going on outings as an Aunt.  It is kind of like being Queen for a Day.

I get to pick out what Lucy wears.  (My favorite part is the rare occasion when I get to pick out her pajamas.)    I get to help her down the slide.  I get to unintentionally traumatize her with goats.**

 It is a break for my sister and a treat for me and a respite for, perhaps, all three of us.

Our first outing this summer, involved the zoo.  The only pressing thing on our "Zoo Bucket List" was the train.

Oh, the train.

While we were riding with the wind in our hair and the trees blowing, something cracked inside me.  Maybe it was more like melting; pressing cold hands to the heater in the car.

It was like happiness but better.  

Deeper.

More lasting.

Joy.

And so I prayed, "Dear Lord, help me to remember this forever."

 I thought to myself, "There it is."

You know?

There it is.

Here's to us, and a Very Magical Train Ride.

Love,
H.

*Just for the record, we did our taxes this year.

** Unintentional Goat Traumatization (or UGT) is a real condition.  Dozens of Americans suffer from it each year and their cries go unnoticed.  If you or someone you know has been unintentionally traumatized by a goat, please seek help immediately.  It is our goal here at YoursTrulyH to ensure that no one suffers alone.

All joking aside, the goats were supposed to be totally fun and subdued and instead they all had their game faces on. Like, "Hey, we're goats and we're awesome and you will pet us whether you like it or not."  Needless to say, we didn't stay long.


1 comment:

Lorraine said...

She is beautiful.

And I relate to so much of this underlying Aunt love that comes through this post. Being an Aunt is truly amazing and I thank God for my little joys every day.

Lor