Monday, March 4, 2013

Juice, Crackers, and My Jam: A Story about Weight Loss & Communion 

Two things you should probably know about me.

My faith is sometimes driven by rituals.  Whether that's a good thing or not, who can tell?

But give me a good baby dedication, and I will get misty-eyed all over it.

Ash Wednesday?  Yes. Please.

Now... Communion?  That is my jam.

No matter how stale the wafer, I will sink my teeth right into it.

     And the second thing you should probably know about me is that I have weird things going on with my weight.  Not so much the physical aspect of it...like most Important Things in life, my weight is more about my head than it is about my body.

     You see, we all want to pretend we are Easygoing.  Flexible.  At Peace.  We believe this about ourselves in the same way everyone thinks they can make a good grilled cheese sandwich or that they have one pair of shoes that "absolutely matches everything."  Well, guess what.  You can't.  And they don't.

Ok. I'm kidding.

 But...for real.

With that being said, I like to check all the boxes.  Laid back- down to earth- spontaneous.

But the truth is...give me an agenda, and I will plan and organize the heck out of it.

Eating and Calories included.

So.  Sometimes, I live in the extremes.  I'm either a calorie-counting maniac or I'm a Cadbury Egg Eating Hippie.

Laissez-faire.

For fear of getting too maniacal...I wave my hand and think, "what harm will it do?"

So.  There's that.

     I think that's why the idea of daughters makes me so nervous.  I feel as if there are so many untamed rivers in my own heart these days.  I don't know how I will manage to help a baby navigate her own.  In time.  Maybe.

     I was in the middle of a something (?) with a boy I knew from church.  His presence made me incredibly anxious, and thinking back, that should have been (you know), one of those red flags everyone always talks about.

     But I remember watching him on the sidewalk in his fancy red car and his shirt and tie and he just seemed like The Kind of Boy You Come Home To, and that was all I could see after that.

Sigh.

I was in the middle of a weight loss competition at work and it all seemed So Important at the time.

I can remember being at work, on the same day as our date- and not really having any interest in eating.

Nerves.*

And I knew Things Were Getting Ugly when I quit taking Communion.

Because, you know.  A Girl can't just go around drinking her calories.

And then shortly after this boy, I met another one who kind of fixed everything... as unhealthy as that may have been at the time.

So. Now you know.  That is (partly) why I love Communion.

Because to me, it represents healing and All Those Things I Am Probably Over or Will be Over Someday. **

And I have to remember that -in the long run- we're all just waiting to be rescued anyway.

Thank you, Jesus.

And now.

Photographs.







* I don't ever want it to come across as if I'm blaming this particular person on my own disordered eating.  I want, so badly, to believe that he is a sweet person with good intentions.  I think we were just both in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Surely.  You know what I mean.

** Mothers of the world (particularly mine). Do not be alarmed.  I am not Wasting Away.  While the scale is not always my friend, I'm happy to say, this is the most regular exercise regime I've had in years (starting last April).  I feel...okay.  Which is not as good as "great" but is certainly better than "crummy" and Lord knows I've been there before.

Progress.

So...cartwheels down the hallway.

And yes.  Our favorite Chinese Buffet has a chocolate fountain.  Thanks for asking.

Love and do I sign here?
H.

And also...how much do you love that dog?

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