Thursday, February 12, 2015

Unicorns Make Me Nervous: A post about God & anxiety

Hi. I have issues with anxiety.  I feel like it's just time to call it what it is, you know?

Let's make a list, shall we?

HOUSE FIRES!
BEAR ATTACKS!
KIDNAPPINGS!
DOGNAPPINGS!
SIDS!
BABIES IN HOT CARS!
STRANGER DANGER!
(sidenote: I worry a lot about our unborn kids. You know, the ones we "might not be able to have" / can't afford to adopt) ;)
MY HUSBAND FALLING OFF LADDERS!
MY HUSBAND FALLING OFF ROOVES!
MY HUSBAND FALLING OFF SCAFFOLDING!
MY HUSBAND NOT EATING ENOUGH FRESH PRODUCE!

Oh my word. What else?

That's like, not even 1/4 of the list.

I worry that I am not accomplishing enough at my job.  I constantly second guess my decisions.

     You know when, like...a teenager gets in a car accident because they are driving too fast, and people sigh and say, "People never think it's going to happen to THEM."

Are you kidding me?  People like this exist?

Whenever I am given an anxiety-worthy scenario, I ALWAYS think it's going to happen to ME!

     I also feel like it becomes a problem when something GOOD happens, and I somehow find a way to twist it with worry.

     I feel like you could give me a unicorn that poops 100 dollar bills and somehow, I would find a way to make that situation scary.

     Quick.  Before we move on.  I need you to picture your unicorn.  Mine's white with a turquoise and hot pink horn.  By the way, if your unicorn is anything other than white or pastel, then we need to have a serious conversation.

     And by pooping, I don't mean gross horse poop.  I mean, you walk out to visit the unicorn every morning, and there's just crisp bills lying all over the floor like hay.

You know what I mean?

Wait.

Do unicorns eat hay?
What do unicorns eat?
I'm thinking donuts with sprinkles?
I don't even know what my UNICORN WILL EAT!?!?

You can see how we have a problem, here.

And I am slowly starting to realize that it's not so much a problem with anxiety as it is a problem with sin.

Kablamm-o!


I feel like maybe if I knew God better, I wouldn't be quite so freaked out.


You know, like I am  99% of the time.

I look at people that I know who are deeply rooted in Christ and I feel like...maybe they aren't rattled by the same stuff that rattles me...?  #bearattacks

I have been...like... FACE DOWN in the book of Psalms since November.  Psalm 29 is just ALL about God's power and how He can like, shake mountains...and how His voice can strip the forests bare.

And it kind of blew me away.  I had never read that about God until now.

I am also finding a direct correlation between my tendency to intentionally look for and express gratitude and my anxiety level.  < Lots of words in that sentence (!)

The more grateful I am, the less I freak out.

Here. I made you a blurry line graph.  You're welcome.




See what I mean? Gratitude is a nice distraction.  :)  It keeps me centered.  It helps me focus.

Oooommmmm.... That is the sound of me meditating.

I used to be really diligent about praying with the acronym ACTS (or CATS)... I need to get into this habit again.

Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication

But I often struggled with the adoration part.  It felt cheesy and lame.

Why does God need ME to tell HIM how awesome He is?  Does He just need an ego boost?

But  I do not think the "hallowed be your name" part is for his sake.  I think it is for mine.

God does not need the reminder.  I do.

     Sometimes, I picture myself walking into a coffee shop with all my STUFF.  Work stuff.  Money stuff. Home stuff.  Bear Attack Stuff. And God is there in the booth in front of me, and I just shove it all under His feet.  Out of my line of vision.   I stand up, winded because the bear put up a fight, but I look at God and God looks at me, and He says... "This is all mine, now.  The days is yours."

The day is mine... to do whatever I want with and not worry about a thing.

It's true, you know.




Love & the day is yours,


5 comments:

Meg said...

I am such a worrier, so I get this. It's often a daily decision to give everything back to God. (And I come by it naturally. Can you inherit worrying? My mom & grandma are/were big worriers!). I love worship music for the adoration part. Singing out loud reminds me to keep my focus where it belongs.

(My unicorn was purple :)

mommagracejones said...

So yeah, I love to read your thoughts! It's like looking into my own head. Gratitude does help my attitude. So today I'm starting my focus early!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

(My unicorn is white with pink horn and hair just like My Little Ponies.)

Jayme Carruthers said...

Wow. I LOVE this. I totally get where you're going with that entire first half. I definitely think the bad things are going to happen to ME. I'm always imagining scenarios that probably WON'T happen, but I feel like I need to be prepared for if they DO. Phew. Glad I'm not the only one.

I like how you tied it together in the second part though. I had never really thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense. Definitely something I could work on.

Lauren said...

"And God is there in the booth in front of me, and I just shove it all under His feet. Out of my line of vision. I stand up, winded because the bear put up a fight, but I look at God and God looks at me, and He says... 'This is all mine, now. The day is yours.'"

YES.

At first, I chuckled when I read this because, hello, it's funny and the thought of the bear putting up a fight is just glorious, but then I gave it the slow nod. Ohhhhh my gosh, yes. This is what we're supposed to do with all our stuff, right? So freeing. Goodness, I needed to read this. Thanks for sharing your heart, friend.

Holly said...

Oh, you are my favorite people on the internet. ;)

Meg- one of my biggest "worries" is that I will leave a legacy of worry...that I will be known for my anxiety. I'm trying to remedy that now. Thanks for reaching out, friend.

Grace- I love reading your FB statuses- you are such a positive presence. I am proud to call you "twin." Hehee...

Jayme- Whenever we have, like...disaster preparedness at work, I am always like, "OH MY WORD THIS IS HAPPENING! I hear you, girl.
Thanks for reaching out! <3

Lauren- I owe you 100 hugs and 10,000 text message replies. I am so glad this was helpful for you. I hope you are having an amazing 2015 so far. :)

And everyone gets an A++ on your unicorns. Simply Amazing!