Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Your Own Horribleness: a note to my friends who are waiting

So. I know you know the first part of this story, but I need an intro. anyway,  K?

  In January, I started writing about our  struggle to conceive and it opened the door to many, many new connections.  Women reached out... and they were kind and beautiful.  They were smart and brave and gracious.  And I was overjoyed.  I was inspired.  FRIENDS!

One of the most surprising things about blogging has been how it has encouraged people to tell THEIR stories.

And they are stories that need to be told...even if they are just via private Facebook message or email to me or someone else.

And I really love that.

After I wrote about our struggle to conceive, I connected with a lot of women who said,

"Girl. I feel you.  Me too."

And literally, 24 days into this new "club," I found out I was pregnant.   I felt like I had been invited into a room full of starving women, and unknowingly showed up with my own loaf of bread.

So...before I write anymore about this pregnancy, I just wanted to post a ...buffer..(?)...

 I guess.

Or an internet hug?

Because... I dunno.  I'm happy and happy and sad.

Honestly?  I still mourn those days, guys.  There is a weird part of me that still aches.  Like a phantom limb.

The other day, I was out (for the life of me, I cannot remember where this interaction took place), and someone was showing off their newborn, and for a split second, I was really sad.  And then I got happy again.  And I just thought, "Six months ago, this would have killed me.

Oh, my word.  Am I the WORST?  First, I am sad because I'm not pregnant and I'm still sad about not being pregnant when I am ALREADY PREGNANT. Will you guys just quit being friends with me already?  Why are you even still here!?!?!

Oh. And also, I feel guilt. So. There's that.  Guilt.  Hello, old friend.

As women, aren't we wracked with guilt?  I mean...are you?  I am...and I am so intrigued by this.
I think I could give an orphan $1,000 and still find a way to feel bad about it.

So...so far we've established that I'm an incredibly generous & humble martyr who would make incredible sacrifices for her friends and feels "OMG so guilty" when good things happen to her.

Oh.  Did I also mention that I'm incredibly humble?  ;)

Do you remember that episode of FRIENDS where Phoebe tries to find a truly selfless act? (The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS).

"I let a bee sting me so it could look tough in front of all it's little, bee friends!"

(Does that Friends reference connect with the rest of this post?  Hm. I don't care.  I'm leaving it!)

So. I say all that because I'm still here. Consider this your Public Service Announcement.

Anytime anyone with babies would say, "Oh...we struggled for X amount of years or we had to have this and that treatment. I know how hard it is."

I would get kind of irritated and think to myself, "You are of no help to me because YOU HAVE A BABY!!!!!!"

So. I say "I'm here" but I also say, "It's ok if you kind of feel like you probably want to punch me. Do not feel guilty about that."

     In all seriousness, I'm not going to write this on the internet, obviously, but in private, I can give you some more details about what I think finally helped me "get pregnant" (Taking Charge of Your Fertility, holla!) and what we were hoping our plan of action was going to look like when we talked about going in for treatments (I have some super close friends who sought treatments and I did a ton of my own research.  Let's chat).

I feel like I was a crazy, horrible person during much of our journey.  Even if you just want to write me and tell me about your own horribleness, I'm here.  You get no judgement from me.


*Also, it must be noted...I have ZERO intentions of turning this into a "mommy blog."  YES!  Some of it is going to be about our adorable baby (again, with the humility), but I was a lifestyle blogger long before I was a mom.  Dog photos and DIY's abound.  So...in the words of our beloved NKOTB..."Please don't go, Girl."



Oh my word. Joey.  With a yellow daffodil.  I'M DYING!  He was like, 14 and she was like...23...file this under, Things you could get away with in 1988.


Love and I am rooting hard for you,





2 comments:

Meg said...

I love your honesty... and I seriously enjoyed the video at the end!

Samara said...

I fell pregnant in December (and later miscarried sadly), but I remember thinking all of things you are. I felt guilty, sad, excited for me...crazy. But I get it. I just like when women who get pregnant acknowledge that, for some of us, the struggle is still real. So thank you- and congratulations :)