Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Do Unicorns Bite? A post about unmet expectations

Why, Helloooooo.  

    Have we talked on here about me being pregnant, yet?  Oh. my word.  I can't even remember.  I wrote a whole heck of a lot about me NOT being pregnant and then my body was apparently reading my blog...because one post was all it took and then lickety split...BABY.  

It's a girl.  We are naming her Ella Marie.  

We are thrilled.  

     Tim is so incredibly lovesick.  Spent.  Over.  He is so so in love with our girl. He is going to be SUCH a good "girl" dad.  He truly has the heart for it.  Tough and Tender.  Bless him. 

 I'm fully prepared to be the "third wheel" for the rest of my life. ;)  

I wanted to post 58 selfies of me standing all dainty in front of a chalkboard. 

I wanted to tell you All the Things.  

     But I decided to just get a million things down and then choose what seemed most important.  How pretentious does THAT sound? 

 THIS IS THE WRITING THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT! ;) 

The other day, I confided in a few of my friends that I have not really "enjoyed" this pregnancy. 

Hear me now. 

     Eight months ago, if I would have read a post from a pregnant blogger saying she wasn't "enjoying" her pregnancy, I would have promptly unfollowed her and then broken every single window in my house.  Not kidding. 

     If you are reading this, and you want to break the windows...just know...this is a post about the sin in MY heart.  Not yours.  You have every right to be mad.  Because I am pretty much a terrible person, and you, my friend, are a peach.  

     Our lives this year have pretty much been chaos. There have been days when my pregnancy has kind of been a (happy) afterthought.*  We SIMULTANEOUSLY tackled lots of home improvements (which have been great), but they took longer than we expected. I spent weeks feeling so tired and sick, climbing AROUND our oven in the dining room and making coffee on my living room end table.  

OUR KITCHEN CEILING WILL NOT STOP LEAKING. It. will.not.stop. 

Two of our cars are currently un-drivable.  (Is that a word)? #brokenradiator  #powersteering

     We unhooked our old heat/AC unit with the intention of replacing it and the weather heated up FAST. After several cancellations from the guy we hired to hook up the new one, we spent almost all of June with NO AC.  Ohio temps. reached the mid 90's just FYI.  

I feel like hell is a kitchen with no air conditioning and your only job is to keep microwaving Chinese food. 

It was that bad.  

     And we've faced some other huge, really scary/hard obstacles that I'm not going to share here (they are not health/baby/marriage related). 

   I try really hard not to share the stories that aren't mine to share.  And I sure as shoot ain't asking for permission to tell this one. Ha. Maybe a story for another day, yea?

But right now, we are facing The Impossible.  It's so fun! ;) 

     I knew getting pregnant would not "fix all the things," but...come on, guys.  Part of me really did think that getting pregnant would do the trick. 

 I would be kind.  I would be gracious.  I would lose every jealous bone in my body.  

     In so many ways, our baby has brought peace and joy and healing...especially in our marriage.  This has been a really sweet season for us. One that I wish I could write about in more detail. Again.  Maybe someday. 

In other ways, it has just heightened all my badness.  

Anxiety.  JEALOUSY.  Fear.  

     In the past, I've written about unicorns. I've said it once and I'll say it again.  Whenever I get All The Good Things, I feel like it's God's way of sending  a unicorn.  

And it makes me incredibly ANXIOUS at times.  In this little scenario, Baby=unicorn, you feel me? 

God was like, "Here.  Here is this unicorn and it is awesome."  

And I am like, "Do unicorns carry diseases?  How long do they live?  Do unicorns BITE!?!?!" 

(For the record, I'm not super worried about getting bitten by my baby..ha).  

Maybe it should read more like, "WILL MY UNICORN GET EATEN BY A BEAR?"

(Because I am totally afraid of my baby getting eaten by a wild animal.  HOW DO YOU PEOPLE GO CAMPING? HOW DO YOU DO IT?) 

And God is like, "I will take care of the unicorn. YOU JUST ENJOY THE UNICORN." 

But, it's still hard.  

Is this the part I should have erased? I feel like I should have erased all that. ^^^

Any post that mentions unicorns is a good post, in my book.  

Oh, that's right. Also. I am jealous. 

And it is stupid. 

Oh, you want examples of my badness?  In the past, I have felt jealous because...

People felt comfortable sharing their news earlier than we did (we waited until 12+ weeks for work, church and social media).  

People found out gender sooner than we did.  

People's bellies are cuter/smaller/bigger/rounder than mine.  

Their nurseries are finished already.  

Their ultrasound pics were clearer.  

Shall I go on?  

     All this to say...

     I decided to tackle planting a garden this summer...while pregnant.  I purchased everything and got it unloaded and was like..."I really don't have the energy to do this anymore."  Ha.  

But...garden stuff is expensive and I felt too guilty just leaving everything to rot in the sun and die. 

So I prayed.  And I tilled (by hand) and I dug and I planted.  

I had every intention of leaving a large, blank space for seeds.  SEEDS!  

Aaaaannnnnd the seed planting didn't happen. 

So I would wade through the tall, itchy grass and fight with the hose and dwell in my own discontent.  

Weeds.  Dry dirt.  Barren land.  

And the seed-planting would hang over my head.  Like a mid-term paper I hadn't written yet.  

And one day, God said my name.  

I can always tell He Means Business when he reaches out with those two, abrupt syllables.

"Holly."  

...

"When are you going to get to the point where ENOUGH IS ENOUGH?"

It is a good question...one I don't really have an answer for. 

So.  I relent.  

"Alright, already." 

Oh and isn't that agreement just so full of grace and gratitude?  

"Alright, already." 

Yes. There you have it.  The most humble-sounding surrender ever. 

But it is a surrender nonetheless. 

So...maybe it counts?    

Love and this is not the year for carrots, 


* A couple things...by "happy afterthought" I mean...you unpack your newly remodeled kitchen with no air conditioning in the house and you get in bed, sweaty and exhausted and finally think, "Oh. Hooray. I forgot I was pregnant!"  I really do love being pregnant and we are so so so fortunate for our daughter's excellent health.  I am looking for some practical ways to be able to say I've enjoyed being pregnant.  I don't want to take this time for granted.  Please don't misunderstand anything I've written above.  Ella- if you are reading this in the year is 2030...I love you dearly.  You were my dream come true.  Now get off the internet, and go play outside.  ;)  


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