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Monday, December 13, 2010

This Actually Isn't About Christmas At All

     Tonight, I took a bubble bath, more as an attempt at finding motivation than out of a desire to unwind. I sat for a few minutes, tugging at a strand of hair that had sought refuge on my left knee.  
 I also thought, a bit, about Christmas* and babies.  

     One of the things I love about having a niece is seeing what motherhood has done to my sister.  She is now absolutely insane.**  

     All joking aside, it has made her so incredibly honest and courageous and vulnerable.  

     The truth is, so much of my lack of interest in babies right now is born from fear.  I don't know that I will ever feel fill-in-the-blank-enough to be a capable mother.  Organized enough-brave enough-disciplined enough-punctual enough. No, that is not self-depricating.  That is me.  At my most honest.  We all worry about being fill-in-the-blank-enough to do or be something, and if you don't then you need to tell me your trick. I will pay you five dollars. I will.  

     I talked to Sweet Heather Marie about this.  She said motherhood does something to you.  It makes you more brave.  More efficient.  She couldn't explain it, but I heard her.  Really. I did.  

     And so, during this bath of mine, Scarlett came in and attempted to drink the water (gross, right?) and licked my nose (not gross...right?).  And I decided that motherhood must be a calling.  

Motherhood must be a calling, and The Bible is heavy with stories of people doing things even though they aren't fill-in-the-blank-enough.  

Holy Cow.  One of Moses' first complete sentences to God after being called to save the people of Israel was, "I stutter."  (Exodus 4:10)

Excuses, excuses, right?  

     It is hard for me to have conversations about babies with people who add, "You know you're never really ready to have a baby, right?"  

     I get it. Really. I do.  Tim and I are never going to look at each other and say, "What are we going to do with all this extra money in our savings account? I know! Let's have a baby!"  Or "Isn't it getting really old?  This thing where we sleep all night every night?  I know! Let's have a baby."  

However, when I am met with this answer, it makes me feel as if people aren't really listening.  

And, I know, some of that is my fault.  

     Like I said, it's a calling.  Perhaps on my days when I am not feeling quite as brave- the days when my coffee gets cold before I have time to finish it or I can't find my favorite pair of earrings...those are the days I get defensive.  

     I think the most important thing we can do is stay open- lay in the belly of the whale or let go of the basket and give The Whole Thing over to something that is greater than ourselves.  

     I will tell you this much.  We are not trying to have a baby.  I don't want to give you the wrong impression.  However, our time frame isn't really a bean I'm willing to spill.  I doubt you'll ever hear me say, "Today I had a really good turkey sandwich and quit taking my birth control." 

I give credit to bloggers who are able to be that bold- that honest.  

Me? I don't really like that kind of pressure.  I don't want people looking at my oven as if there is a bun in it.  

But I will also tell you that we are getting there.  We are building the ark.  We just haven't gathered the animals.  

Love and a thousand random-bible-story-references (all that was missing was the felt board), 

*This had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  It was going to at first, and then it got long.  Stay tuned.
**You are not insane.  Please don't get hormonal and tear my eyes out. I love you. ((nervous laugh))

Hey! What smells so good?  Click the picture to find out! 


carmen said...

Ah, Holly. I feel the exact same way--never "enough" ready. It is a struggle because I realize that right now, while my desire outweighs my fears, when I'm actually in the moment, I expect my fears will threaten to overwhelm me! Isn't that the way it works? Anyway. I loved this post and your utter honesty. Always refreshing :)
Love, Carmen

Mrs. Werginz said...

I LOVE a good felt board! Way to be honest and share with us your feelings! I feel those ways too...God has a plan for us and we will see it in his time!

SMB said...

Thanks for speaking so much truth!!! I love your honesty. It is such a personal journey, I appreciate all that you share with us. I also respect all that you keep to yourself!

I'm so happy you're finding your peace and letting the Bible lead you through all your questions.

Way to go H :)