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Monday, April 28, 2014

Post Haste, or the opposite

Sometimes, I go to put things on Facebook or Instagram, and I'm like, "Wait. I have a blog!"

     Right now, I am in the middle of a Community Group with several women I met through The Influence Network.  It is strange and exciting and ridiculous to love these people I LITERALLY JUST MET, but I feel it nonetheless.

     We are reading the book of Hosea, and the first sentence I wrote down was, "The hardest prayer on the entire planet is, 'Your will be done.'"

     Because basically, God says to Hosea, "Look, I need you to do me a solid and live a pretty ridiculously stinky life because I'm kind of trying to prove a point right now."  (Hosea marries a woman who is unfaithful, and God asks him to name his children horrible things like, "No Mercy.")

It's sad.  But it's for a greater good, and I guess Hosea gets that.

     If my interpretation is wrong, please elaborate/feel free to correct me.  Today has been a weird day.  I ran into Tim at Home Depot today (how weird is it to RUN INTO family members when you are out in public.  Fun/weird, right?)

Me: What do you have?
Tim: It's a big magnet.
Me: What do you need a big magnet for?
Tim: (non-plussed) pick up metal things.

So. It has been that kind of day.

All this to say, feel free to gently correct me.

     Right now, I'm in a season where I do a lot of crying in the car.  You guys.  It's ok.  I'm not depressed.  Everything is fine.  I do not tell you this so that you will feel sorry for me.  It's fine. Really.

     I'm just realizing that sometimes things just take a long time.  They just take a long time.  It is all about, what The Old Timer's call, "Kingdom Living."

Your will be done. 

Commence the crying in the car.  See what I mean?

     One example.  I started The Couch to 5k app on my phone, and I love it.  It's hard.  I had to skip a week because, Hi. Shin splints and allergies.  I could not breathe, guys.  I COULD NOT BREATHE.

     But then the rain came today and washed this entire pollen-covered world clean, and tonight, I had to start on Day 3 Week 3 again even though I should really be in the middle of like, Week 5.

     And at night I come home and I intentionally do not cook the frozen peas because I know I will need to put those ice cold bags on my legs.  On my aching knees.  On my shins.  It's hard.

But it's for a greater good.

And tonight, I kept saying to myself, "Holly. You are not breathing. You have to breathe."

While I ran, I watched the news.  There are boats sinking and planes falling straight out of the sky.

And I think about my sister's kids.

     Tonight, I put my nephew's name on my contact case in permanent marker so I could remember to pray for him (specifically) at night before I go to bed.

     My sister.  She's the mom of a newborn.  She worries.

     And I think about how, when Lucy (3) doesn't want to do something she says, "Um. How 'bout later?"  And I think about how I CANNOT think about how much I love them when I am running because I start to cry my stupid head off and then I can't breathe.
     And I think about how there is a mom sitting cross legged on the airport floor waiting for her once- three- year old who is never coming home. Not even "how 'bout later."

And  I do not know why these things happen.

I do not know.

     But I do know that when I get too distracted by the questions, I also get short-sighted and forget that the Most Important Prayer is, "Your will be done.

(((I'm not saying that planes fall out of the sky and boats sink because "it is The Lord's will.")))


     Tim Keller says, "Our bad things can be used for 'good.'  Our 'good' things can never be taken away from us, and the best is yet to come."  

     Sometimes, maybe life is just hard and you cry in the car or in Hosea's case, you have to make hard choices, and it stinks and then you get to go to heaven.

In a perfect world,  I am articulate enough to get my point across.  Lord, help us all.

Right now, all I really know is that when I click that little workout app and that divinely-inspired voice says, "Ding, ding, ding...start running."

I start running.

I was in no mood to post a "sweat-covered-gym-selfie."  Please accept this blurry photo of my dogs cuddling as payment.

Love and sometimes, it's hard to hit "publish."


Rachel Haltiwanger said...

Love this stream of consciousness and hard things- I totally feel you girl. Praying His will to be done today in you and in me, even when it might not be what I think I want.

mandimadeit said...

So um, like, I know we just met and all, but I totally love you too.

And also, it is a perfect world, because you wrote this beautifully. Loved it.

Unknown said...

I've been crying in the car alot too.

Unknown said...

Thanks for hitting publish! Thank you for sharing your heart and where you are honestly at right now! I can relate to the heaviness of watching the Lord's will be done in situations that don't seem fair or make sense. Keep running sister and breathing! :)

Unknown said...

Dogs cuddling? More than acceptable. Thank you SO SO much for pushing publish and being so vulnerable because I am SO where you are right now!! So glad I found you through Influence and can't wait ot get to know you better! :)

Jeanne said...

I'm glad to be in good company with the whe crying in the car thing. :) we should start a club!

Jen Weaver said...

Such a genuine post! Love it! And you're not alone with the crying in the car thing. Some of my best cries, best moments with God, best conversations, are in the car.