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Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hand wash only. P.S. Don't sell my record player.

     I have heard people say that Christianity is a crutch.  I am familiar with the notion that Christians think they need God and the idea of heaven to make life (and death) easier. More bearable.

But the truth is, I think that God and the idea of heaven makes life harder.

But only sometimes.  Like now.

     All I wanna do is what I wanna do, if that makes any sense.  And it is hard.  I think right now, all Tim and I want to do is be grumpy with each other about boring money and job-stuff and start selling each other's most prized positions.

Hands off my new record player, sir.

But we can't.   Cause I don't think that's Part of The Plan.

It is tempting to come home and say, after Tim has so lovingly done all our laundry,

"If you ever put my 100% silk Gap dress in the washer again, 
I will come at you with everything I have."

Wrong.  No.  Wrong. Wrong.

Jesus and I have found that a simple, "Thank you so much." Will suffice.

     I love my parents' stories.  They have stories about struggles; about moving here from California and being dirt poor and resilient and building a life here in the cold/hot/cold again midwest.

     I write often about Our Future Kiddos, and I am fully aware that these are Our Stories.  This here blog is actually one big fat, long story.  I think I'm accountable to our kids for the way I act and what I write about now.  That can get heavy.   With that being said, I made some decisions about How I Want to Behave during this time of transition while Tim looks for a new job.  Maybe someday, I will write more, but for now-

When it is all said and done, I want to be able to say, "We loved each other completely."  I want to be able to say, that I don't know how I could have been more loving, more gentle, more supportive.

source unknown

So far so good. ((she says, cautiously optimistic))

     As you may already know, I hate January.  I spent the better part of late 2010 feeling like a squirrel, trying to gather all the courage I could muster to face this cold, dark month.  But I'm finding that when I quit complaining; when I bake cookies from scratch and go to The Art Museum with my besties and have spontaneous "help us finish this leftover dessert" parties- that is when the ease sets in.  You see, there is ease in the trying.  There is relief in the effort.

I am empty of answers, but my hands are open and gosh darnit, my heart is so full.
Love, H. 


Lorraine said...

This post immediately reminded me of a quote from CS Lewis' "A Grief Observed" that says, "Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

I don't at all believe that Christianity is for the weak.


Holly said...

Lor- you are awesome! :) I love C.S. Lewis. Thanks for taking the time to comment.