Tonight, my dad and I left...

Tonight, my dad and I left church early to take a meal to a family who's husband/father is dying of cancer.  


He is not an old man.  


It is sad.  


Right now, the only word I can think of is sorrow. 


Sorrow.  


I got in the car and I yelled.  And I never yell in front of my dad.  It was not I-am-so-mad-at-you-right-now-yelling.  


It was life-is-not-fair yelling.  


Tonight, I felt very much like life is about being born and paying taxes and co-existing with lima beans and surviving 38-degree-weather-even-though-your-calender-says-next-month-is-April.  


And falling in love with people and then them dying in sad and sorrowful ways.  


And then my dad said maybe we should go for a drive.  


So we drove for a long time.  And he started talking about farmland, I think to keep me from doing more yelling.  We drove by the land Tim's family my family owns (where I want to build our dog farm). 


We were late for choir and it felt a lot like we were skipping school together.  


On the way back, we saw two Very Little Girls playing in someone's living room window.  


And then my dad said it reminded him of me and my sister.  


Then he asked about my car because he always asks about my car.  We picked it out together (her name is Roxanne).  And he says the thing he always says which is, "It turned out to be a good little car..."  


123,000 some odd miles, thank you very much.  


And I said, "Yea...we make a pretty good team..." and nudged his elbow with my elbow because, like I said, we picked it out together. 


And I'm pretty sure that even though tonight was sad and I used the word sorrow and there was yelling, I'm pretty sure that when my dad is the one who is Sick or Old & Leaving, this trip will be one of my favorite memories.  


I don't know why these things happen.  I don't.  


Sometimes, life is horrible.  It is Tragic.  It is Devastating.  


But I also know that sometimes, it is good.  It is very, very good.  


And that just in the nick of time, God shows up.  


In the past 4 months, five or six* of my good-good friends have had babies.  On nights like these, it helps to think of Briggs and Ephram and Vala and Levi and Lucy.  


Sometimes, life is good.  


Love and my friends picked out cool names for their babies, 
H.  


*I said six because I'm terribly afraid I'm forgetting someone.  My apologies.  

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees 

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 

You only have to let the soft animal of your body 

love what it loves. 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 

Meanwhile the world goes on. 

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 

the world offers itself to your imagination... 

Wild Geese, Mary Oliver

I totally. totally love this.  


You.do.not.have.to.be.good.  You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.  


There is such relief in that.  Such freedom.  


Today is Ash Wednesday.  I spent the better part of my evening with ashes on my hand, wondering exactly what this day means.  


I still don't quite know.  


Tim and God and I have our hard talks in the car.  And tonight, I cried in the driveway. 


Ugh.  


Right now, God.is.quiet.  


And that's ok.  


really. it is.  


. . . ? 


He is quiet and I am feeling very not-sure-there's-really-a-plan-ish.  


But I am finished walking on my knees through the desert.  


We do not have to be good.  


We only have to love what we love.  


Love and more love, 
H. 

B-sides

     I was recently cleaning up around This Little Corner, and realized that there are a lot of decent drafts just waiting to be published.  If my blog were an album, this would be on the B-Side, not because the length or quality is lacking, but simply because perhaps I didn't have the time to make extensive revisions or just wasn't brave enough to hit submit at the time (see below).  Here's a little ditty circa July 2010.       

~~~~~~

Sometimes, when we get in bed and it is quiet and dark and I can hear the fish aquarium humming, I want to whisper something to You about babies.

 While telling the story of Jesus' birth, the Bible says that Mary (The Mother of Jesus)  treasured the things that happened surrounding His birth and pondered them in her heart.  Luke 2:19

I wonder if I am feeling a little like Mary right now.

I am pondering.

      But somehow, I can't seem to muster the courage to talk to my husband about this.  So instead I tell you- Facebook Friends, fellow bloggers, complete strangers from the internet.

You see, it seems during these nights that are sticky and hot and when the house is SO quiet that the noise of the ice maker nearly throws us into cardiac arrest...I always chicken out.

Until last night.

     My sister is pregnant...which I realize I have yet to to tell you...so there you go.  We spent a significant time in The Children's Place (I have been there more in one summer than I have in my entire life).  Cute.

  

     The amazing thing about baby clothes is that if you are patient and savvy and wise, you can find good sales and purchase something soft and adorable for less than what you'd typically pay for lunch.  So, when it comes to gorgeous baby clothes or paying for a meal, (to me at least), the choice is clear.

     So we shopped for a long time and then we left.

     And when I went to bed, little-baby-jammies danced around in my brain.  Blue and green and red with little robots on them...purple ones with pink and green apples...jammies with feet...oh the feet.  Jammies so tiny and soft and clean.

     Last night, we fell asleep lying on our backs with our arms linked, much like a bride and groom walking down the church steps which just seemed funny to me...as if we were two soldiers, marching off to Dreamland.

     In that silent moment that sometimes happens after we stop talking but before we've officially said, "Good Night," I started thinking about those jammies.  So I gathered an armload of courage and whispered to you six of The Heaviest Words Known to Man.

"...Do you ever think about babies....?"

But you were already asleep.

Love and better luck next time,
H.

*Illustration by Eloise Wilkin 

Pocket Full of Rocks

     I read this on a friend's blog, and I really loved it.  


Today is a day to come out as stronger version of yourself, no matter your sexual preference, race, creed or color.  


     And I really loved it.  


     Tonight, I am feeling a bit downtrodden for a few reasons that I hope I can clarify with intelligence, love, and perhaps a bit of restraint.  Maybe you are feeling the same way, too.  


     Never-ever-ever will I ever really touch on controversial topics.  I don't want to talk about homosexuality or my stance on same-sex marriage.  I don't know what the future holds, but right now, I have peace in my heart.  I have found an answer I think I can live with.  


     If you are really curious, feel free to send me an email.  Other than that...mmm... no thanks.  I find that a lot of fists-pounding-on-tables tends to spill the coffee.  Well, frankly, I care a lot more about saving the java than my pride. So there you go.  


     However, it really hurts my feelings when someone calmly and respectfully gives a conservative opinion about topics like abortion, homosexuality, and the like and are only met with angry rants that mock religion and assume that this person must be "full of hate" simply because they disagree with someone else's stance.  While this hasn't happened to ME recently, I have been inadvertently reading a lot of ugly rants on the internet and it makes me feel a bit crummy.  Meh. I give up. I quit.  


More than anything, my heart breaks for people who are met with anger, hatred, spite, malice, all in the name of religion.  


If you have found yourself in such dire straights, then my sincere apologies to you.  Please know, that is not the pathway of Jesus.  


If anything, the world we live in is only drawing me closer to Jesus.  


Ever close to you.  


I find myself praying a lot more lately.  


Please know- whether gay, straight, pink, purple, muslim, buddhist, cat-lover, dog-lover, pro-choice, pro-life, (Even you, Michigan Fans)...


You are loved.  


Love and random-almost-political-rants, 
H.  


Might I recommend, Ever Close to You by Pocket Full of Rocks


and


because this was a rather sad and unorthodox post for yourstruly, a really adorable picture of  really adorable puppies.  Carry on.  

by Shirley Glendenning