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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Chase is All You Know

     I have been posting a lot of fluff lately.  It's ok.  I can admit.  Craft projects.  Random photos and the like.  I figure it's about high time for a Post.  With a capital P.  

     Tonight, Tim and I had A Talk.  That's right.  A Talk.  It was hard.  But it was good.  I didn't cry.  But I did find myself asking him, "You're not....unhappy...are you?"  He politely said, "no."  God bless him.  

     So, he put on his p.j.'s because tonight's chat was particularly exhausting, and I made something very un-professional-like for dinner (hot dogs sauteed* with peppers and onions), drank warm fresca out of the can and tried to get all my thoughts to move in single file.    

     I worry about the failing marriages in this country.  I think the danger lies in getting married and thinking that the other person is automatically going to be able to understand and follow every little crumb we throw down.     

     There are times when Tim will refer back to something I've said, and I think to myself, "THAT'S what you got out of that conversation!?!?!"  Not as a criticism of him, per se, but more as an observation of how terribly inaccurate our points can sometimes come across.  

     I don't ever say, "He gets me." when I talk about Tim because the truth is, I hate to sound unromantic, but he doesn't.  He doesn't GET me. (If you are one of those people who says this about your significant other, don't sweat it.  It makes you no less adorable/compatible, but just hear me out.) 

     Does he understand my sense of humor?  You betcha.  Do we have similar upbringings?  Spending styles? Parenting ideas?  Of course.  He supports my faith, my hobbies.  He drowns out my fears.  
But does he "get" me?  Not a chance.  

     We had two completely different childhoods.  Different upbringings.  Different kinds of relationships.  As man/woman, we use different parts of our brains, function with varying levels of chemicals in our bodies (estrogen/testosterone- not, you know, drugs).  The list goes on.  
     The truth is, I did not realize I would have to fight for my marriage.  This is not a bad thing, just something I had yet to discover when I said, "I do."  

     Because, let's face it.  There are days where we don't necessarily fight each other.  There are just days when I think we are fighting for each other...and it's exhausting...times when we are talking seriously in the hallway, and I notice that my newest craft project has lost a letter and now reads, "TRUE LOVE WILL FIN YOU IN THE END."  


     So I have to drive off to the craft store and spend entirely too much time in the yarn aisle, just waiting for The Glumps to subside.  

     I just wonder if the state of marriage in this country is in such disrepair simply because people are tired.  Or they just don't know that all that fighting for each other?  It's okay.  

     So, I don't say all this because we have all the answers (we don't).  Or because we are perfect and wonderful and happy all the time (um. we kind of are).  :)  

     I just say all this because I think if you catch yourself fighting for something... shoot, if you catch yourself just fighting, I want you to know that it's going to be okay.  

He's not ever going to GET you.  But he sure is going to try.  
Love and unwarranted advice, 

*Next time you fix something un-professional-like for dinner, just use the word "sauté."  It makes everything sound so much fancier! 

Photos via:


Justin said...

Absolutely spot on. I think people forget that nothing in life - especially love - comes for free. You've got to put the elbow grease in it, so to speak.

I love reading your blog and your insights and your wisdom and your humility. I totally relate to the feeling that you seem to be treading water, but never afraid that you'll drown - if that makes any sense.

I think marriages fail because as a generation (I guess several generations now), no one works for anything anymore. We all feel that we're 'owed' something from life, whether it be a great career, excess money, love, kids, etc. The fact of the matter is that whoever told us we could have it all was lying. Humanity being totally whole and complete is an illusion. That's the beauty of living - that throughout your life the balances always change between what you want and what you can live without and what you need and what you don't have time for.

Like you, there's just faith that at the end of the day it all works out the way it is supposed to. But contingent upon the points you brought up: listening, working hard, communicating clearly and to the point of what you mean (vs the word sprinkles we like to put on the doughnut that is the point of the conversation, which only distract us from the doughnut), and forgiveness. People need to forgive themselves and forgive each other.

We all fall down. But finding someone who either picks you up or helps you fall down less, that's magic.


Anonymous said...

my fiancee and I are already talking about how we will have to fight the inevitable subsiding of "love" as we know it right now. The feeling, the gushy lovey dovey stuff that may pop up every once in a while, but will not last long.

But even without the gushy love, we are trying to begin a love that lasts far longer, rooted in Christ where we will both push the other to serve the lord and then each other so that we last. My fiancee has already started fighting for me and I know if we have problems he will do so again. And that is why I am so excited to marry him!

Still reading your blog, just haven't had time to comment lately! :)

Emma @ She Got Married said...

I love this. I love this.

Did I say I love this?

And yes, 'saute' is the perfect fix for hot dogs and peppers.

Always reading- fluff-r-not, Emma

Cassie said...

This was refreshingly honest. Not dramatic, certainly not depressing, just telling it like it is. I'm not married, so I don't "get" it completely of course, but I do know that anyone who thinks they're not going to have to work to make it WORK is living in a fantasy land. I think having divorced parents like I do is a good way to teach you what you don't want to get yourself into-- what you should avoid and what you should strive for. I want my future children to live in the same house always, not gone half the time like I was with my joint custody situation.

SMB said...

Holly- you're so good at putting words to marriage issues. I think you hit this spot on- I think 'fighting FOR' is the key to all this. We do have to 'fight for' our marriages otherwise we'll fold and be a part of the enormous number of divorces in the US.

Thanks for speaking up! Thanks for letting us know we're not alone!