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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch

And now, it's time for something a little different.  

As I was ((ahem)) RE-organizing my office/craft room, I found a notebook I had used as a journal during a hard/wonderful/ interesting/painful/fantastic time of my life.  I was about 24 and broken and well on my way to getting fixed.  

never "publish" parts of my personal journals...ever.  But, in light of a conversation I had with Tim last night, I just kept coming back to the idea of posting this.  It just seemed important.  This section is about love. About how much I wanted it at the time and how unsure I was of how to get it/find it/prepare for it/make it happen...or even know it when I saw it.    

I was actually in D.C. at this time, staying with my Aunt and Uncle, falling even more in love with my sister, and taking in the sites.   

D.C. is my solace.  I could go on and on and on about That Great City.  I love the city in general, but it is also the home of my Aunt, Uncle, and a few various other family members.  ((Swoon, Swoon))) What FANTASTIC people.  They could make even a rattle snake feel welcome.  And the cooking?  Oh, the cooking is amazing.... 

But enough about that.  

      July 2005 

I need to feel protected, to not be "giving" all the time, to be comfortable taking, to be held onto tightly and pursued urgently, to laugh and take my shoes off and be silly, to have honest and absolutely unconditional consistency.  

I need to laugh on the couch with my shoes off.  I need to whisper in the driveway with the porch lights off and the radio on.  

I have so much "life" stuff to do.  I don't want to go home.  

Tonight, Heather showed me a picture of Dan and their dog, Jake.  She casually said, "Look at my family."  I felt so happy for her.  * a house * a husband/a lover* a dog

and so incredibly lonely for me.  It is sad and funny and ridiculous and unfair how you can be homesick for someone you have never even met.  

I always used to think I had to fight with in a boxing ring.  but as much as it hurts to it is also very liberating and I know this lonely and precarious way is better in the long run.  

Just go with it.  

I don't have to be DESPERATE for love, but I do have to be OPEN to it.  I know it is right and healthy and good to be feeling lonely and anxious about whoever "He" will be, but by acknowledging it, I seem to have opened up a flood-gate to where loneliness is the only thing I can feel about love...perhaps it is like laughing in church- when you hide it and smother it and try to hold it in, it comes out in little spurts- it is only when you can stand in the foyer and throw your head back and let out a monsoon of laughter that you can truly feel free. 

My mom always says, "It has to get worse before it gets better."  

Now, almost 5 years after that entry, I can see how God's hand was at work in my life, even before I realized it. 

My conversation with Tim last night revolved around money and jobs and staying home with our babies.  Hopefully, we still have a year or two to sort it all out.  It was a good conversation, but also scary and hard.  

 I am worried about money and babies and the possibility of ((someday)) quitting my job and whether or not that purse at Target is ever going to on sale  :)   But even so, this notebook is full of truths.  Truths that are, for lack of a better term, self-evident.   It is full of truths.  Now, at 27 ((ahem))) and 1/2, so many of these truths still ring true: 
God provides.  

Love, H.

P.S. I didn't edit for spelling, grammar, or content.  I thought it might take away the authenticity or something smart/ethical sounding like that. The "teacher" in me felt the need to point that out. :) 


carmen @ life blessons said...

I am certain I had many journal entires quite similiar to that one--especially the "loneliness" for someone you've never met. Isn't it funny how quickly those worries/struggles can disappear and be replaced with other things? Sometimes it can be hard for me to remember those times, which is good on the one hand but still a part of who I am and this little journey of life...

Holly said...

Carmen- thank you for your comments! :) Your post about "two brothers" and us not forcing God's hand was part of the reason why I wanted to post THIS little rant! :) You, my love, are my muse!